Our small taste of loss

This week has been a roller coaster of emotions.  We had a doctors appointment on Tuesday that I have been waiting for, for 10 weeks.  I was excited to be able to go see how our little nugget was growing!  On the way to the doctors I couldn't shake the feeling that something wasn't right.  In fact, for a good portion of this pregnancy something just seemed off but I didn't know if that was me just being paranoid (I had a sister in law who just recently miscarried) or if I was being prepared for something.  Brock almost didn't come with me but then had a feeling that he needed to be there so we dragged Adalee along for the appointment.  As I sat waiting for the doctor to come in I felt sick to my stomach.  I still couldn't shake the feeling that there would not be good news for us. 

Our doctor came in (which can I tell you that I love my doctor and I was excited to be able to see her and work with her again) and she was excited to see Adalee and how big she had gotten.  Then there were the routine questions, then the pap smear, then the ultrasound.  I couldn't look at the screen for some reason.  I just kept looking at Brock while she started the ultrasound because I knew in my heart that it was not good.  I heard my doctor say "ohh, I'm afraid I don't have good news today", and I wasn't surprised.  She then proceeded to tell us that it looked like the baby had stopped growing at 6 weeks.  I felt numb.  This is one of those things that you hear so often because it really is quite common, but you still don't expect it to happen to you.  Suddenly those few months of excitement and planning were gone.  We wouldn't be bringing home a baby in February. 

The doctor then gave us the options for miscarriage: wait it out, medicine, or a D&C.  We have opted to wait it out because I want my body to do what it's supposed to naturally.  Well it's only been a few days since my appointment and I still haven't miscarried and can I just tell you how hard that is to just wait.  You would think if the baby stopped growing at 6 weeks that I would have miscarried by now but I haven't.  I am wanting to kind of put it behind me but it's hard to because I am still sort of pregnant.  Well anyways the doctor told me how tough I was because I didn't cry but all I could think of was "just wait until you leave" and it was true.  As soon as she left I couldn't hold back tears.  It really is crazy to me how attached you get to that fetus growing inside of you, even only at 10 weeks.  It has been harder for me than I thought it would be, but I am doing well at the same time.  I have faith in Heavenly Father's plan and I know that we will have more children, this one just wasn't meant to be.  But then I see the picture that we texted to everyone to announce the baby and that brings tears (or at least yesterday it did), or I text my whole family and all of their responses bring tears, or my Mom calls to see how I am doing and that opens the floodgates.  The first day was rough, needless to say.  There were many tears shed but we really are doing better, even 2 days later. 

I am amazed at the support we have gotten.  We weren't originally going to tell anyone until after the doctor appointment but we went to my cousins wedding the weekend before and like 3 of my cousins were announcing their pregnancies and I just couldn't hold back anymore.  So I told my family and Brock's family and then I ended up telling my cousins and aunts who were around at the time.  Immediately after the appointment I was silently kicking myself for not being patient and waiting to tell everyone, because even as I was telling everyone I still had a bad feeling about it.  But now looking back I am very glad that we told family because I needed their support. I don't do well grieving alone, so their words of comfort have been immensely helpful.  Even for them to just say they are praying for us helps me so much.  Yesterday Brock's Mom stopped by and brought a little consolation gift and took us out to lunch.  My parents have called to see how we are doing and we have received numerous texts of support.  It's been a big blessing and I am so incredibly grateful for our families.  I think it was a blessing that I had this feeling all along so that it wasn't really a shock when we found out.  We had plans and were so excited for the spacing of the kids but obviously Heavenly Father has other plans for us and time will tell.  The doctor said to wait a few months before trying again so we will wait a few months and see what is in store for our family. 

This trial has also made me realize how much I have.  I look at my precious daughter and am more thankful to have her in my life.  When we were at the doctors after the ultrasound, there was a little light that moved around that was connected to the table.  Well it looked kind of like a microphone so Adalee grabbed it and was singing in it while the doctor was talking about our options for miscarriage.  I couldn't help but laugh because it was so funny at the time.  Here we were as parents, silently grieving and she was just happy as can be, oblivious to our pain, which I am grateful for.  She is also so sweet because at one point when we were home I had started crying and she was so upset.  She started crying and saying Mommy and kept hugging me.  She has such a tender heart and I am so grateful for my sweet little girl.  I am just grateful for my wonderful family and for the Plan of Salvation and I am hopeful for what the future will bring for our little family.